Politicians. The most curious humans on the planet.
Who are these people? Why do they do what they do? And why do they look so bloody weird when they do it?
Whoever they are, we're constantly told that we want them to stop whatever it is they're doing. This is apparently an age of political apathy. Just over half the people polled by YouGov on the issue say the general election campaign is boring.
But I struggled to believe this depressing picture. I told myself that beneath the surface, Britain is still a deeply politically engaged nation. But I needed to confirm it. There was only one way to find out.
I was going in deep.
Really deep.
Meet #Apathy2015. A political party that stands for everyone who doesn't care about politics. I was going to pretend to be a parliamentary candidate for a day and see if people liked what we stood for.
We weren't messing around. We had official party literature and everything.
And if you think politicians do sport awkwardly...
...you ain't seen nothing yet.
The day began bright and early.
Up with the #lark to go to #london to meet #realpeople and discuss #realissues with them
I was quite literally out of bed by 7.55 and on the road mere minutes later.
I looked on Twitter to see what actual politicians were doing...
Last minute work on my speech on the train
...and attempted to copy them.
. @SuzanneEvans1 same
I hadn't launched a campaign, but I had created a nascent meme.
@aljwhite just adding the finishing touches to mine. @SuzanneEvans1 @MartinBelam
If nothing else came out of the day, that was a result.
I followed that up with some more #Shareable content.
The big announcement is coming just after 10. But for now please share this graph.
Sadly, my plans to launch the party had taken a hit, because I was now stuck in traffic.
An earlier tweet may have suggested my big announcement was coming just after 10. I'm afraid I was hacked. It'll be at 11 or something.
@aljwhite This is not the #BetterLeadershipForTomorrowNow that Britain’s #HardWorkingFamilyPeople need.
I know it's fashionable to blame immigrants when this happens but I'd come up with a far more plausible explanation.
Some followers have alerted me to the fact the hackers also managed to fave a bunch of pornhub vids. I've addressed this security lapse.
It also allowed me to defuse a potential sex scandal.
Anyway, well over an hour behind schedule, the big moment arrived.
Social media was abuzz.
It begins #politicalselfie
My supporters were brimming with optimism.
But before I pounded the streets and tried to win over the electorate, I had to play the media game.
It should be stressed at this point that this is not my wife, nor my baby. It's my colleague Rossalyn. Though curiously she is pulling exactly the same face my wife does when I start boring on about politics.
I chose to be interviewed in the least ostentatious of my five kitchens.
Earlier this morning my wife @RossalynWarren and I got interviewed in the kitchen. #kitchensinkpolitics
I also realised that being a politician leaves you susceptible to vile trolling.
.@jen725 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING
And occasionally you find yourself randomly feeding people Soleros.
I wasn't going to hang around in the office all day, however. It was time to hit the road for another photo op.
First stop: The Finery in central London to support #HardDrinking Britons.
I'm not sure what it tells us about the electorate's attitude to politicians, but everyone in the pub watched me pulling myself a pint like it was the most natural thing in the world.
No wonder people think politicians are on the take.
A busy morning. Time to break for lunch – a bacon sandwich, naturally.
As I paid the kind staff at Cotton Cafe on Berwick Street, I was conscious that at this point I'd not actually engaged with many potential voters yet.
That was about to change.
Meet Pinball Geoff.
Shoutout to Pinball Geoff this morning
Geoff is a pinball machine rental/repair man. He'd seen me enjoying my sandwich and wandered over to ask what I stood for.
"Mediocrity. I promise to deliver the absolute bare minimum."
"Excellent," said Geoff. "I can get behind that."
I liked my first supporter. He seemed like a really nice bloke.
@aljwhite I know this fine gentleman - one of the nicest and most interesting humans you will ever meet
Moments later, the internet confirmed my opinion of him.
And I realised that if I was going to target a #CoreVoterBase, perhaps small businesses were the way forward. I looked around to find my next target.
And being in Soho, I soon found it.
After this photo with another eager voter, I resolved to venture inside.
Sadly, the owner of the sex shop wouldn't pose for a campaign photo. But once I explained the party's policies, he too was right behind them. And really chatty. He felt "disillusioned" with our current crop of politicians. "They're all the same," he said.
In fact, everywhere I went, I found the same thing.
People looked at me, on this boiling hot day, with my suit, and my rosette, and my shit-eating grin...and they actually wanted to talk to me. They approached me.
And yeah, they found the idea for my party funny, and a lot of them jokingly said they'd support it, but the main thing was: They actually wanted to talk to me about what I stood for.
People don't hate the idea of politics, or even politicians.
They just don't seem to feel like they can get behind what our politicians stand for right now.
I'd met real people. I'd heard about real issues. I'd drunk their free beer. And above all, I'd fed them real Soleros.
And here's the truth: This stupid joke spoke for how they feel more than all the bold pledges our current crop make every day.
