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How To Pleasure Your Man In 11 Easy Steps

Or at least this is what I remember reading in Cosmo at 16 years old. WARNING: Toon peen.

Step 1: Make direct eye contact with the penis.

Step 2: Slowly approach the penis while "smizing."

Step 3: Gently place a soft hair scrunchie around the base of his penis.

Step 4: Lightly tickle his balls.

Step 5: TICKLE FASTER.

Step 6: Begin to slowly pour maple syrup over the shaft of his penis.

Step 7: Press your cheek against his package and begin to hum show tunes.

Step 8: Light a match — slowly and sexily bring it toward his penis.

Step 9: Light his penis on fire.

Step 10: Watch as the flames die down.

Step 11: Seductively apply burn ointment.

Warning: I have a very bad memory so don't try this at home.