You've been warned — these jokes are most definitely NSFW. We asked the BuzzFeed Community to share their raunchiest jokes, and then threw in a couple more from Reddit for good measure. The result? A long list of dirty jokes that are 100% for adults, and adults only.
For more all-ages fun, check out our favorite knock knock jokes, corny jokes, clean jokes, and some good, old-fashioned funny jokes. And for the bravest among us, we collected the dumbest dad jokes we could find. Fair warning: There are some real groaners on there. Continue at your own risk.
1. Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other guy replies, "I’d pet him first."
2. Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.
Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, "Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please."
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um. What size do you need?"
The old woman pauses, then replies, "I need one that will fit a camel."
3. Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, "You know, I’ve never come this way before." The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."
4. An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, "How do you eat with that?"
5. A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers. The doctor says, "Oh, this is a strange one." ... The lady says, "And that's just the tip of the iceberg."
6. An older retired couple that had been married for 50 years was struggling to keep up the romance in their marriage after their looks had faded with their hair turning gray, their skin sagging, and their bodies becoming more tired. One day, they figured out a way to keep their love alive and well: They had a nightly ritual to eat dinner together completely naked.
One day, the wife told her husband, "This is really working because my tits are so hot for you!" The husband replied, "I can see that, sweetheart!" The wife asked how he could see that, and the husband replied, "Well, one of your nipples is in your tea, and the other is in your soup!"
7. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
8. Two sperm swimming around inside a lass. One says, "Are we at the egg yet?" The other replies, "Nah mate, we've only just passed the tonsils..."
9. The family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.
10. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
11. Anal sex is like getting a minivan. It hurts at first, but then you’re surprised at how much you can fit inside!
12. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
13. What does the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
14. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.”
15. A bloke goes to an ice cream van and says "Large cone please" in a quiet, croaky voice.
Vendor says, "Raspberry syrup?"
"Yes please," replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.
"Crushed nuts?"
"No," says the bloke, pointing to his throat, "Laryngitis."
16. Why did the sperm cross the road? Cause I put the wrong socks on this morning.
17. “So, Mickey, you said you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s really silly?” “No, I said she’s fucking Goofy.”
18. What does a hot dog use for protection? Condoments.
19. What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? You cum in one and go in the other.
20. What does eating a girl out and smoking a cigarette have in common? The closer to the butt, the more flavor.
21. What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $50 to have a lentil on my face.
22. I understand how you get Bob from Robert and Bill from William. But how do you get dick from Richard? You ask him nicely.
23. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
24. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
25. Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.
26. My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
27. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
—Alissa Heath via Facebook
28. What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.
29. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks: Some asshole has my pen.
30. A vampire walks into a bar and orders a mug of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you vampires only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "I'm having tea!"
31. Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
32. What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
—Becky Sullivan Sheldon via Facebook
33. A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
34. How do you embarrass a male archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
—Erica Lynn Roberts via Facebook
35. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts."
36. What gets longer when pulled, inserts in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
37. What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
—Eli Sanchez via Facebook
38. A man walks into a doctor's office, sits down and says, "Now, doctor, this may sound kind of strange, but I have five penises." Taken aback, the doctor asks him, "My God, how do your pants fit?" To which the man replies, "Like a glove."
39. What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"
—Spencer Althouse via Facebook
40. What does an 80-year-old woman taste like? Depends.
41. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls!
42. What do Lifesaver candies do that men cannot? Come in 5 different flavors.
—Jesse Petrie via Facebook
43. What is 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.
44. What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
45. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
46. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
—Joshua Burns via Facebook
47. Have you heard about the new Viagra and prune juice diet? You can't tell if you're coming or going!
48. A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk.
“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storefronts on the main road in town? I built those. Do they call me Storefront Johnson? No...” He downs yet another shot of whiskey.
“But you fuck ONE goat...”
49. A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"
50. What is the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
51. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.
—Tim Covais via Facebook
52. What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.
53. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
54. What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.
—Rachel Drum via Facebook
55. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a second to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!"
56. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
57. What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dick-tater!
58. Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one. They both eat out.
59. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. But you have to wonder how they got in there.
60. What does a DNA helicase and a teenage boy have in common? They both just want to unzip your genes.
61. What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
62. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
—Kerry King-Neale via Facebook
63. What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
64. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
65. Is "buttcheeks" all one word? Or should I spread them apart?
66. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died.
—Reuben Glaser via Facebook
67. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
—CC07
68. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
—Katie Turner via Facebook
69. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjeaker.
Which joke made you LOL the hardest? Feel free to share in the comments below!
This article contains content from Kayla Yandoli, Cassie Smyth, Crystal Ro, Pablo Valdivia, and Gena-mour Barrett. It was compiled by Salimah McCullough.