1.
I couldn't believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just bang out of order.
2.
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
3.
GETTING PEOPLE TO DO THIS IS LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT OF THE CHARGE YOU LOBOTOMISED SHITLARKS
4.
Theresa May too large to fit in studio so she has to stand outside & be interviewed through the window.
5.
DYSTOPIA: Sam Smith sings at the Spice Girls' funeral.
6.
A Glaswegian responds to Tesco customer service.
7.
Running water found on mars, Protests at cereal bars, The Moon is turning blood red, Cameron boned a pig head, WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE
8.
"@HamishP95: @realDonaldTrump My Dad is thinking of voting for the first time ever for you. " Great.
9.
[Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"
10.
Client: What if no one gets it? Agency: We'll explain the gag in subhead C: Won't that ruin it? A: We'll use brackets
11.
Well this is the best bit of graffiti I've seen probably ever (from a mate on FB)
12.
When you have the labour conference at 1, but you have to defend WWE World Heavyweight Championship at 3.
13.
quick FYI to refugees - there are TONS of youtube videos 'not available in this country'. still come but didn't want that to be a surprise.
14.
RIP Jamiroquai, U are wiv da angels now
15.
Dave Grohl scrubs up well.
16.
The most impressive thing about Arsenal is how it's very nearly two bum words in one name.
17.
Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting.
18.
Homesick lorry :(
19.
Congratulations West Ham the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.
20.
What the hell is going on here? This looks like a character selection screen in a shite version of Mortal Combat.
21.
Young Ed Miliband looks like all the Inbetweeners at once.
22.
No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, there's no limi
23.
What the fuck is Eye Toast?!
24.
Oh no. Madonna's at the front door of my nan's house again.
25.
What a way to make a living.
26.
My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I'm measurable now.
27.
Another exciting adventure from Enid Blyton...
28.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile. And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more. ~ The Disclaimers.
29.
I'm not a huge fan of them either, Simon, but isn't that a bit extreme?
30.
4 reasons country walks are great: 1. Cost f*** all. 2. Healthy. 3. No Internet. 4. Enable you to say hello to horses using fake posh voice.
31.
Clegg: On the mouth? Fish Monger: If you want my vote, then yeah. Clegg: Tongues? Fish monger: Of course with tongues
32.
Finally, I can use this feature
33.
Am fucking sick eh being treated like a mug
34.
I just looked in the mirror and thought, who's that old man staring back at me? then I realised it's not a mirror, it's a fish fingers box.
35.
Further proof, if needed, that the British Justice System is too lenient.
36.
Craig David's new material is increasingly dark