1. On preparation for adulthood.
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
2. On the search for happiness.
all of my apps are up to date and my devices are fully charged, why am i still so unhappy?
3. On ambition.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
4. On reflection.
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others
5. On empathising.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
6. On the important things.
[gets kidnapped] Hold up, I forgot my phone charger.
7. On not knowing what to do.
Remember when you'd be staying at a friend's house & you'd wake up before them & wouldn't know what to do? That's how my whole life feels
8. On revenge.
Don't get mad. Get very, very quiet and let it kill you a little inside.
9. On emotional repression.
[picks up crying baby] it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside
10. On dealing with hate.
How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone: 1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle 2. Break bottle over person's head
11. On negotiation.
When your drunk friends try to look sober while you negotiate with the bouncer.
12. On relationships.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
13. On life hacks.
Couldn't afford a gym membership so I bought a Tapout shirt instead
14. On adulthood.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
15. On laziness.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
16. On embarrassing situations.
So embarrassing when you stare into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you so you wave but the abyss was staring at the dude behind you.
17. On acting your best.
When you go to your Girlfriends parents house for the first time...
18. On missed calls.
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
19. On avoiding unnecessary work.
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
20. On pushing people away.
I only work out so I can push people away harder.
21. On upbringing.
Based on your previous viewing history, Netflix suggests you spend a little time quietly thinking about the way your parents raised you.
22. On the need to be alone.
My new business cards just came in
23. On keeping true to yourself.
I hope I never become the person I pretend to be when talking to a taxi driver.
24. On life complaints.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup