1.
"Dogs are assholes" DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole! "Cats are assholes" CAT PERSON: Yeah
2.
gurl r u a cat because u have ignored all my attempts to earn ur love and attention
3.
i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
4.
"MY cat is like a dog." - every cat owner
5.
BATMAN: I got you flowers CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase BATMAN: Ok CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*
6.
*me petting my cat* CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be *a door opens* CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
7.
"You only live once." - a pessimistic cat
8.
Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #
9.
[wins 4th thumb war in a row] me: "HAHA YES! i am the greatest" cat: "i dont think this is fair"
10.
Cat 911: What's ur emergency? Cat: Idk I just knocked this phone on the floor Cat 911: I don't care Cat: I don't care Cat 911: I don't c
11.
Two of my cats hate each other and they're always smelling each others assholes and it's like maybe that's the problem.
12.
I wish I was as good at looking dead inside as a cat being hugged.
13.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
14.
My cat sure drinks a lot of water for someone WHO CLAIMS TO BE TERRIFIED OF IT
15.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work at this aquarium? Cat in a wig: I just love marine life ok [knocks over desk calendar]
16.
It's so sad that curiosity led to so many life-changing inventions, but is still mostly remembered for killing that one cat.
17.
wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
18.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al-- WIFE: Tell him. SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat's dead.
19.
Cat 911: Whats ur emergency? Cat: The red dots on the wall again Cat 911: OMG Cat: [thumps into wall] Cat 911: You ok? Cat: ITS STILL THERE
20.
[doorbell] WIFE: That's probably Bob ME: Bob from work or Bob the cat who thinks he’s a lizard? W: Just get the door
21.
*grabs diet coke* *grabs mentos* *grabs duct tape* *grabs cat* *calls Nobel committee* I hope you haven't given away the science thing yet
22.
[cat hits a catnip blunt] What if, hear me out here, what if humans didn't enjoy seeing our buttholes [other cat] Dude you're high, shut up
23.
CAT BOSS: Your productivity is way down this week. Explain yourself CAT EMPLOYEE: I saw a box CAT BOSS: OH MY GOD WHAT WHERE TELL ME NOW
24.
my cat always looks like she just watched you take the last slice of pizza without offering to split it