What The Hell Sport Is The Postal Service Singing About In That One Song?

Hockey is a very tempting option, because it has goalies, and the third session of play in a hockey game is also the last, which would add dramatic tension to the goalie’s plight in this scenario.

Hockey has periods, not quarters. A goalie would tend the net in the third period. So hockey is unfortunately out.

Soccer is another tempting option! It has nets; it has goalkeepers, and after 75% of play has elapsed, things might well get a little bit tense, given how low-scoring a typical soccer game is.

Soccer has halves. A goalie would only conceivably tend the net in the first or the second half of play during a soccer match. And, “match” is preferable to “game” in soccer terminology, so that’s a second strike against the soccer theory.

God, I so badly wanted this to be shinty, but it’s a two period sport, so we just have to be true to ourselves and cast it from our minds. Goodbye, shinty, you sweet, beautiful thing. I am sorry that the heartless members of The Postal Service have never even bothered to spend a moment of their time wondering about who won the last Camanachd Cup.

Lacrosse has goaltenders, goals with nets, and four quarters.

The third quarter in a Lacrosse game is probably a little bit early to start really panicking about the result, but you could imagine a particularly anxious goalkeeper starting to get a bit nervous as the fourth quarter begins to loom, so we'll give Ben and co. a little bit of poetic license here.