1.
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
2.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
3.
[out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
4.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
5.
I wonder if Beyoncé gets this annoyed when Jay Z opens a new box of Breathe Right strips before the current one is empty.
6.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
7.
We're assembling a crib from Ikea... Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?
8.
Well, well, well. If it isn't that thing I told my wife I already did.
9.
Marriage is basically just eating together and watching HGTV until you die.
10.
I've been married for about 45 lbs.
11.
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
12.
[sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
13.
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
14.
Wife: Make the hotel reservation for date night. Me: Hey, Hilton. Can you charge my card for a place my wife & I can go to sleep in at 9pm.
15.
Hey baby it's Friday night, why don't you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.
16.
Marriage is basically peeing with the door open and not caring.
17.
Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die? Husband: *in tears* Yes? M: Change the toilet paper roll H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*
18.
My husband's so smart. He's prepared for the Apocalypse by leaving pants puddled on the family room floor so he can make a quick exit.
19.
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
20.
Marriage is essentially being able to watch another person eat chicken wings without throwing up.
21.
MARRIED SEXTING: I'm not wearing any underwear...because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 flipping times.
22.
I’d like to publicly thank my husband @daxshepard1 for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…
23.
I just googled, "how to get away with killing my husband" on @IMKristenBell phone. Just in case. Now there's a record.
24.
99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse.
25.
I think my husband cleaned the bathroom, but I can't tell. How do you tell?
26.
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.
27.
*rolls over & taps wife's shoulder to wake her* So it was "An American Tail" & not 'Tale' because Fievel was a mouse, right?
28.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
29.
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.
30.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries. Wife: Congratulations. [2 hours later] Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
31.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share
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