Exploding Unicorn — aka James Breakwell — has developed a sizable Twitter following by (over)sharing his off-kilter life as the father of four daughters.
That's right... FOUR DAUGHTERS.
Some of his best tweets capture the conversations he has with his girls.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
They discuss the economy...
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Boys...
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur. Me: That could mean anything. 5: The dinosaur had a hat. Oh shit.
Romance...
[watching a guy on TV do CPR] 5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her? Me: He's not. He's saving her life. 5: I'd rather die.
Life after death...
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Careers...
4-year-old: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
The future...
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday? Me: If you want to. 3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
Where all the missing cookies go...
Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn’t see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.
How babies are made...
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
...and some stuff that has Breakwell a little worried.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad. 5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it. I'm never sleeping again.
As you can see, his daughters are pretty badass.
Real badass.
4-year-old daughter: *points to a dead squirrel on the road* He was a boy. Me: How can you tell? 4-year-old: He was stupid.
And they definitely take after him.
No DNA test needed. I'm sure she's mine.
He's even started to tweet about the family's youngest member — in his own way, of course.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Of course, his wife shows up in his tweets, too.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.” Me:“But it’s the right kid?” Wife: “Yes.” Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Can I say she's pretty patient?
So what does his family think about his tweets?
"My wife is grudgingly tolerant of my Twitter addiction," Breakwell told BuzzFeed. "She was well-aware I was a jerk when she married me, so my tweets haven’t changed her opinion of me in the slightest."
Wife: Not everything we say in this house belongs on Twitter. Me: I understand. Wife: Are you tweeting this right now? Me: No.
As for his daughters, Breakwell says, "They like what I do on Twitter mainly because it’s all about them."
You can follow Breakwell on Twitter or visit Unfridgeworthy, where he adds horribly inappropriate descriptions to his kids’ innocent pictures, like this one:
