17 Tips To ACTUALLY Listen When Someone Else Is Talking

You know how it's really unsettling when you share something with someone and you can't tell if they're even paying attention? It can make you feel vulnerable, exposed, judged, or ignored — and definitely not listened to. So don't do that to other people. Half of being a good listener is what you do when the person is talking; the other half is knowing what to say when it's your turn to talk, Susan Heitler, Ph.D., Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of book and website The Power of Two, tells BuzzFeed Life.

That basically means be expressive, engaged, empathetic, and responsive when someone is telling you something. "How do we listen to a child? We get to their eye level, make eye contact, and if they tell us something is sad, we show them empathy on our faces," Susan RoAne, corporate speaker and author of How to Work a Room and What Do I Say Next?, tells BuzzFeed Life. "You listen with your ears, your face, your eyes, and your body language — to encourage them."

And yes, that means engaging in small talk. Lots of people hate small talk, but that's because they aren't paying close enough attention to ask the right questions, RoAne says. If you're smart about it, small talk can transform into more meaningful conversation. You just need to find the right things to talk about.

"People will tell you what they want to talk about, you just have to listen," RoAne says.

Example:

You: "So, how do you know Meghan?"

Stranger at Meghan's party: "Oh, well, we knew each other in college tangentially, but we were never close. But I'm a taxidermist, and a few years ago she took her cat to me after he died. That's when we really became friends."

Key words or phrases you can use, in order of interestingness:

"I'm a taxidermist"

Meghan's dead cat

college

You can talk about things related to any of those concepts! Even if all you have to go with is "we grew up together" or "we went to college together," that is still enough to create a foundation for conversation.

Avoid starting questions with words like "are you," "do you," and "were you," which can be answered with a simple yes or no, Heitler says. Open-ended questions solicit much more interesting answers.

Do this:

"That's fascinating! How on earth did you ever get into the field of taxidermy?"

-or-

"What's it like being a taxidermist?"

Not this:

"That's fascinating! Do you like being a taxidermist?"

-nor-

"Were you always interested in taxidermy?"

Even if you disagree with everything that comes out of your partner's mouth, you should try to find SOMETHING that you can agree with. That might even mean just acknowledging that they are feeling a certain way. It is hard to deny that feelings exist, after all, whether or not you think those feelings are based in reality. So, here's an example:

Your partner says to you:

"You never want to talk to me or hang out, you just want to play video games. You don't love me anymore."

Whoa there.

Do this:

"I can see that you're feeling unloved, and that really hurts your feelings."

Not this:

"You're being ridiculous."

Which jumping-off point do you think leads to a speedier and happier resolution?

Remember: Find a point that you can agree on, then avoid using words like "but" and "no." Instead, explain your behavior or your feelings without diminishing how the other person feels. This way you can both come to a satisfying conclusion together.

Do this:

"I can tell that it really bothers you when I just play video games all night, because it makes you feel like I don't want to spend time with you. I DO want to spend time with you — I love spending time with you. I also want to have some me time, and video games help me relax and unwind."

Not this:

"But you're overreacting a little, don't you think? I'm just playing video games, not like going out to bars until 2 in the morning."

-or-

"But you watch Netflix for hours on end, so why can't I play video games for the same amount of time? That's pretty hypocritical if you ask me."

-or-

"I'll just stop playing video games, OK?"

In one scenario, you acknowledge your partner's feelings, explain where you're coming from, and leave room for a conversation to build. In the other scenarios, you're dismissing what your partner is saying, getting defensive without actually ~hearing~ the real concern, or just going along with it without expressing your own feelings. None of these responses show that you're listening or engaged in the conversation, and none of them help improve things in the end.

Sometimes they're just looking for a chance to talk something through and feel heard and understood. If they want suggestions or advice, they'll ask you for it directly. In the meantime: Show expressive empathy with your face. Ask open-ended questions. Digest what they've said and, with your words, make it clear you're giving your undivided attention. All that good stuff.