We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their most awkward sex stories. Here are the painfully funny results.
FYI: Despite these horrifying anecdotes, anal sex can also be very enjoyable if you and your partner(s) are into it. Check out some helpful advice here.
1. The most shameful walk of all time:
"I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I'd ever seen. I had to take his penis out of my ass because it hurt so bad, and he said, 'Damn, you made a mess.' I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor. His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on, and he started freaking out. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity."
2. The sock sponge:
"When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I were hooking up in his car, and he suggested we do anal. I agreed, but felt nervous about it because I had no idea what it'd be like. So he put it in and my asshole was not down — I ended up shitting all over him. I immediately started crying while he was wiping his shit-covered dick off with my sock."
3. The princess of passing out:
"I have a heart condition where I faint when I get hurt. I don't tell many people, 'cause I don't think everyone needs to know. Well, my boyfriend was slamming into me during sex once and slipped out, and when he tried to ram it back in, he accidentally went in the wrong hole. I screamed and tried to run to the bathroom — I didn't want to faint in front of him. But I didn't make it; I passed out on his bedroom floor and woke up to hear him screaming for his MOM to come help!"
4. The grapey gas:
"I kept telling my now ex-boyfriend that I didn't like anal because it always hurt too much. But he kept whining, so I said 'F it.' Well, I'd eaten a big bowl of grapes that day, and sure enough, he entered me and I let out a fart so juicy he felt it vibrate on his thing. He never asked for it again."
5. The blood brigade:
"I was on my period and we wanted to have sex, so we decided on anal. About 20 minutes earlier, I had the urge to poop, but never did. We got hot and heavy, I was getting rammed into the wall, hurt my shoulder, ended up completely pooping on his wiener, and because it was so rough, I bled for two days out of my butt."
6. The burnin' booty:
"It was my first time ever trying anal sex with my boyfriend. We had a few drinks, and he finally convinced me to try it. He used some lube, but within two minutes, my ass was on FIRE — I had an allergic reaction to the lube he chose! It has forever scarred me from trying again."
7. The silent sweeper:
"I was seeing this very laid-back, nice guy and decided he was the first I should share anal with. We were going at it, and I took it well. Suddenly, he pulled out and calmly walked away. I stayed there, my ass invitingly in the air, waiting for him to return. When he finally did, he silently wiped my ass with a paper towel. Apparently poop had gotten all over it and his penis."
8. Don't go shittin' waterfalls:
"I was experimenting with my partner, and it initially wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. But as he was pulling out, he moved too quickly, and I just started leaking runny cum diarrhea. I ran naked to the toilet, and there was poo on his thighs and all over our bed and floor leading to the bathroom."
9. Somethin's fishy:
"I hooked up with a guy on Grindr. We banged in his car, and once we'd finished, we couldn't find the condom. We spent ages looking for it before I decided to just leave and go home. Turns out the condom was hanging out of my butthole like a rubbery blue tail."
10. The little douche:
"I was having sex with my ex, and after we finished and cleaned up, we got into bed. He pointed at something, and goes, "What's that?" It was the littlest poop. It had fallen out of one of our butts and was just there on the bed, staring at me. The next time I went to his place, he had a douche set waiting in his bathroom."
11. ~Leaf~ the butt alone:
"My man and I used to live with housemates, so we'd sneak into the forest to have sex. One day we were in our forest place, and he put it in my butt. After he pulled out, his dick and my butt were all covered in jizzy, liquid poop. We had to clean up as best we could, using leaves and my hoodie. I then had to transport my poopy hoodie all the way home to wash it."
—Pearl Black, Facebook
12. The emotional roller coaster:
"The first (and only) time my husband and I did it, I got super emotional afterward because I saw a piece of shit on the floor next to the bed and thought it was mine. I was hysterical — crying and basically screaming. I blame it on the super-sensitive nerves he penetrated. And after all of it I learned the shit on the floor was from one of our dogs."
—Katherine Leigh Lyles, Facebook
13. The hidden present:
"My boyfriend came home drunk and wanted anal. We had done it once before, but we were both sober and careful to go slow and use lube. This time he was so drunk, he poured lube ALL OVER my ass and shoved his dick right in! It hurt so bad I had to stop him after a minute or two. The next morning he went to the bathroom and found SHIT under his foreskin that had been there all night!"
14. The shower scene:
"We were attempting shower sex, and he mistook the back door for the front door when he just went for it. We'd never tried anal before, so my body went into shock and I passed out right there, in the shower."
15. And the casual encounter:
"We did anal for 20 minutes, and afterward I felt ~not quite right~. When I got to the toilet, the seat was down, and it had a soft-close lid — so by the time the lid was down, I'd pooped all over the floor. There was runny shit down my leg and it smelled awful, but I didn't know what to do. There was no shower in the bathroom, and I couldn't bear to escape, so I had to use half a roll of toilet paper to wash the floor, and washed my leg in the sink. I went back to his room 15 minutes later, pretending nothing happened."
—Bridget May Jackson, Facebook
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.