1. All right, let's cut to the chase:
*tweets about how I want to date a guy who is spontaneous* Guy being spontaneous: Come outside. Me:
2. You asked for some funny tweets...
"Be Our Guest" is a great song but at the same time it's a man candle telling a woman what a restaurant is
3. ...WELL HERE ARE SOME FUNNY TWEETS!
WIFE: the dishwasher still needs to be emptied ME: oh I didn’t realize MICROWAVE: he knew
4. We came to deliver:
I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
5. And we're not messing around:
This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay me… https://t.co/eRVPVpxYVD
6. This one deserves at least a chuckle:
Having trouble understanding your American friends or colleagues? Maybe I can help:
7. It's OK to laugh at this one even though Jesus is watching:
when you won't eat meat on Fridays during Lent but you'll still suck dick
8. Sometimes, the truth is just funny:
Snow storms should be named after men because too often they oversell you on the inches they'll deliver.
9. Are you feeling better yet?
Hey I'm Diana Ross And You're Watching Disney Channel
10. Have we at least garnered a grin?
When your grandma don't have a clue what you talking about but she's a prayer warrior 😂😂😂😂
11. BECAUSE WE'RE BUSTING OUR ASSES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH:
refrigerator: *is making ice* me: HELLO?? WHOS IN MY HOME????
12. C'mon, you have to admit this is pretty funny:
bitch this is fucking anne hathaway
13. And so is this:
Bannon looks the person at film fest Q&As who says "I have both a question & a comment" then proceeds to talk nonse… https://t.co/4QgZFHSKzF
14. And this:
keanu reeves reacting to rumors of his immortality is a case study in "how to poorly feign surprise when someone ca… https://t.co/tQhsASlaai
15. The internet is truly a special place:
*trump becomes president* NASA: Shit *a few weeks later* NASA: we've found 7 planets, 3 we can live on and there's… https://t.co/C7OH3PCqIg
16. You can laugh at this one — just don't tell your mother we showed it to you:
Richard Nixon campaign badges. Such innocent times.
17. OK, here's a palette-cleansing tweet after that travesty:
Whenever I feel discouraged, I remember the words of my then-3 yr old after she puked carrots on the floor: “I’m gonna need more carrots.”
18. And another wholesome one:
Will Smith took a selfie while bungie jumping and he looks like Uncle Phil
19. Buckle up, here's the home stretch:
Thank God for Serena Williams
20. Like, this one is perfect:
The worst placed ad placement by country mile
21. Must...
22. ...make...
Tfw your dad's talking and you tune out for awhile
23. ...you...
Best friends off the court💪🏾, sworn enemies on it. 👿😡🏀🏀Athletes understand.👌🏾💯💯💯
24. ...LAUGH!!!
You know what? I don’t want to know that trick either.
25. All right, are you feeling better? We definitely are:
FACEBOOK IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE
26. And fuck it, if you didn't laugh at any of the previous tweets, this one WILL make you LOL, or your money back (but reading this was free so the joke is on you anyway):
Maybe he’s born with it Maybe it’s maple leaves