1. Gently scraping cradle cap away from your baby's scalp with a fingernail.
2. Taking deep lungfuls of your kid's stinky morning breath, because realistically that's the only way you're going to get a 'good morning' kiss.
3. Poo or chocolate? The ultimate olfactory test.
4. Catching your kid's vomit in your hands like a goddamned champ, instead of letting it spatter the walls and ceiling.
5. Using a snot-sucker and managing to get every. Last. Nugget.
6. Not using a snot-sucker, and wiping your kid's bogeys away with your bare hands, then just carrying them around until you find a tissue.
7. And thinking "why don't they make stress balls out of this stuff?"
8. Giving your baby a pedicure. With your teeth.
9. Pulling a reluctant poo out of a baby bum.
10. Holding a brief poo party to celebrate the end of a bout of baby constipation.
11. Describing your labour so graphically that everyone around you looks like The Scream by Edvard Munch.
12. Letting your kid pee in the bath because urine is sterile, right?
13. At least occasionally not washing your hands post-nappy change, for the same reason.
14. Finishing your kid’s leftovers, including the stuff they’ve chewed.
15. Hosing a particularly stubborn bit of poo off your child in the shower, following a poonami.
16. Biting food in half for your kid, because who has time to slice grapes.
17. Debating what newborn poo smells like. Vanilla? Yoghurt? Burnt matches?
18. Leaving the house in whatever clothing has the least amount of poo, vomit, or pee stains on them.
19. Not immediately flinging your child away if they vomit in your mouth when you hold them up in the air.
20. Accepting sloppy kisses from faces slick with food, snot, and saliva.
21. Allowing your baby to stick its fingers in your nose, because it cares.
22. Photographing a giant kid-poo so you can admire its majesty at your leisure.
23. Cleaning your house with baby wipes.
24. Cleaning yourself with baby wipes.
25. Cleaning your baby with your own spit because you're out of baby wipes.
26. Tasting breast milk.
27. Putting breast milk in your coffee.
28. Skipping brushing your kid’s teeth during a busy morning.
29. Measuring your child’s height growth by the height of the food smears on the walls of your house.
30. Monitoring your kid’s bum for pin-worms and actually grabbing a few of the bastards.
31. Wet-combing the lice colonies out of your child’s hair.
32. Wiping the yellowy conjunctivitis gunk out of your kid's eyes.
33. The joy that is yanking a prize-winning bogey out of a tiny nostril.
34. Getting "surprise poo finger" when touching the waistband of your baby's nappy.