1.
Boy behind the bar said to jason "£4 a pint £8 a pitcher" jason goes "were no wanting a photo just a pint please" 😂😂😂😂😂
2.
When your maw sends you to Asda with yer da
3.
"Drunk mind speaks sober thoughts" a went aboot an entire night tellin cunts a was an apprentice dentist
4.
12.99 tae look like a bit a ravioli
5.
Mad how yie get 6 points and a £200fine for being on yer phone yet there's folk oot there way eyelashes on there motor n getting away wae it
6.
When u wake up thinking it's Monday morning and text your gaffer wanting a day aff 😂
7.
Just oot the post office n they asked ma auntie if she had any other ID wae her n she went "av got this keyring that says Karen on it" :)))
8.
Hurricane Brian hahahaha that sounds like the nicest hurricane ever feel like he’d clean your garden cut your grass the lot
9.
Dug waving bye to is leavin the pub 👋🏻😂
10.
chewing gum geen me better advice than half ma pals
11.
Can't be dealing wi waiters that ask how yer meal is as yer scoffing ur gob full of food, it's in yer name fuckin waiter minute
12.
put an elastic band round ma head in work n sumdy said a look like cara delevinge n tbh a see it
13.
No way did a drunk lassie on the train just tell me she doesn't want wains cos she loves dogs n went "Nae wains great dains"
14.
Just fell through the roof trying to get the cat canny believe it she's still up there tae
15.
Theresa May looks like the kinda woman when u where younger and your ball went inty her garden she'd get her husband to go oot and burst it
16.
2 funny brushing ur teeth next to some1 :))) who’s gonny stop brushing first? Who cares more abt brushing teeth? Da… https://t.co/kNI2a3OF3D
17.
Pets are so weird like it's just this little individual that lives in your gaff and you can't speak to each other but you're just best mates
18.
If am hungover or sad ma dug will stand nexty ma bed n stare into ma soul sending me telepathic messages of his lov… https://t.co/O9Igze3xFh
19.
Bonnar just got pulled by the police n they asked if he had anythin on him that he shouldn't have n he said "aye ma maws socks"😂😂😂
20.
There's folk ma age having weans and av just had a tub ae Pringles for ma dinner.
21.
Hate when a cunt yer no expectin says awrite an ye hit back wae a pure high pitch HIYA then think about it for the rest ae yer pathetic life
22.
23.
Imagine being a fuckin vegan, walking hame after a night oot steaming like "fuck me i could go a cabbage supper"
24.
Reminder that JK Rowling a grown woman multi millionaire blocked me for calling her made up character in a book about wizards a specky cunt
25.
Went inty the shop for sweeties after work n the burd said 'you look how a feel pal' you better feel fantastic then ya cheeky boot
26.
Fred flintstone been driving about killie
27.
If ma grandweans take pictures a me dyin on ma hospital bed to post on social media fur attention a will haunt them till they die
28.
Kinda people you need in ur life
29.
Why do cunts go "mail me" when sumcunt asks about their new job?? Nb Sandra you're part time in Home Bargains no undercover wae the MI5
30.
Lassie in Gibraltar took my photo while a was off guard, stuck it to a plate and made me buy it fur €6
31.
Hahahaha brutal man
32.
I'm 18 on Friday n my gran just said to me "first line is on me" she was meaning for the bookies thought she wanted to get onit
33.
Aye awrite showaff
34.
Chance ye got man
35.
seriously ???? do @OfficialPLT think am fucking slenderman
36.
Dominos asked robbie how many slices he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 n he said 4 cause he couldn't eat 6
37.
My flatmate ladies and gents...
38.
Sisters got asthma and we got her they candles that dinny blow oot for her bday cake and aboot killed the cunt trying to blow them oot
39.
40.
asked for a vodka n coke last night in menorca n look at the fuckin state ae that, that's a pint glass, that's atte… https://t.co/JHg5QzwrfZ
41.
Hate they cunts that always try an better ye, u say uv booked Florida an suddenly Janice is goin on a 2week all inclusive tae fuckin Jupiter
42.
I’ve just witnessed a hoard people berate a bus driver into letting a guy bring his 7ft tree on the bus by shouting… https://t.co/8VjlMk6MOk
43.
Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder
44.
Maw keeps buying dark chocolate biscuits knowin fine well am allergic tae it hinkin it’ll stop me tanning them 😂 hi… https://t.co/lLAZJwA3Ec
45.
Wanting a 2L Capri-sun that a can hang above ma bed n just slurp fuck oot it lit a big 6 foot hamster
46.
does anyone else's mum always play 120 questions the mornin after you've been out? Who ws there? was it good ?did u… https://t.co/cui8OT59Rn
47.
Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no cunt telt smith n he just thought he couldn’t u… https://t.co/XTFyRICpvT
48.
aye perfect gran cheers👌🏽
49.
FKN HOWLING oot wi ma maw n she's brought her umbrella which is actually a hip flask in disguise
50.
music in school was pure class like the teacher would only be bothered with the ones who could play an instrument w… https://t.co/BF8CRY90fQ
51.
when you're sittin in the front seat of a taxi and your pals are in the back hitting oot wae the absolute worst pat… https://t.co/OPsAWV9KIQ
52.
Seen my dad chopping up Onions and I started greeting. Onions was a great wee dug.
53.
Just went tae write a tweet aboot how tired a wis and now av realised av been blessed wi 280 characters n now a fee… https://t.co/XTrHLFXfrb
54.
im going to do my dissertation on the fact I’ve worked in a pub for 2 months and not once has a man used a straw. O… https://t.co/9qSzCouOlC
55.
Who would ye rather have as Prime Minister?
56.
3 year I ago I got done by a red light camera, 3 points, £100 fine. Came home told my dad and honestly got about a… https://t.co/PBRHXrgoGh
57.
Some dick on the back roads launched a tangerine out his car and pure splattered on my windscreen. Fit you think this is, mario kart??
58.
Saying the pools freezin oan holiday n theres always sumcunt awready in the pool that says “its awryt once you’re in”
59.
60.
Its mad the kind of plans you make with people when your out on a weekend. Aye lad, ill come snorkeling with ye and your uncle kev the morra
61.
Saturday nights in Glasgow producing yet again😂👏🏻
62.
Dream aboot winning the lottery at least 10 times a day... pretty optimistic as a dinny even buy lottery tickets
63.
Does anyone else find it REALLY FUCKIN RUDE when you give someone a lift and they comment on your driving? Go buy s… https://t.co/T6MxIfRLMu
64.
Bird at work was born on a leap year and said she’s actually only 8 so I called her husband a peedo and she’s put a complaint in
65.
Canny believe a year ago ma da had a pure bad crash n then the next day he went back to see if his crate was alright
66.
A girl was buying herself perfume n her bf went “do u really need that” n she replied “do a really need u” 😂😂😂 u go hen
67.
If anycunts having a bad sunday heres a picture eh ma dug riding a bike
68.
69.
shiting myself to open this
70.
Canny believe I woke up this morning gutted man
71.
In eh toilets in Elrow n a copper walks in tellin us aw to shut up n cunt turnt roon n said "your taking your costume to seriously"😂😂😂
72.
Every morning my Gran or Grandad stand outside and wave to me when am on the bus to work😭💔
73.
wis in a taxi going to work n the cunt asked "so wit is it ye do?" a replied "work in a bank mate you?" Just let me oot here mate al walk it
74.
75.
Ever get a sare pain round aboot your heart and think that’s it fucked game over
76.
that’s the last time a work out with tan on btw ahahah
77.
Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down
78.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
79.
wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it
80.
Seen a boy in Asda with a bunch of flowers and a woman said "aw whos the lucky girl" and he legit turned roond and was like "ma grans deed"
81.
That's not what it says on your T-shirt, mate
82.
83.
Packing for uni and my mum tries to throw out my Christmas jumper as "you hardly ever wear it". Aye, cause it's hardly ever Christmas mate
84.
Hate when u ask someone where something is and they go 'try opening yer eyes' try dodging this jab ya melon
85.
one of my pals got called to jury duty and had to be excused because she'd shagged the person on trial 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
86.
honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since
87.
Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call
88.
Wenty the doctors way hearing problems n he goes can ye describe the symptoms n a says aye homers fat n marge has blue hair
89.
I hated trick or treatin houses tht wid make u tell jokes for the sweets just put the mini snickers in the bag hen this isne open mic night
90.
91.
Does anyone else only get out eh bed in multiples of 0 or 5, like it gets to 07:21 n am like nah av missed it al get up at 07:25 or am a mad
92.
- Wubu2? - no much mate just been
93.
So RIDICULOUS people going about wearing fake glasses, like you wouldny kick about wearing a hearing aid when u don't need one??
94.
I’ve had “before” photos for my weight change on my phone for so long that I’ve had to take more up to date yins cause I’ve put on weight
95.
no way man 😂😂😂
96.
mental tae hink that you nd a pal ae urs won't be able to go to each others funeral, blew ma mind
97.
Wee bro just suggested they make Chinese menus like Avon books so u rub ur wrist on a page n smell wit u wanty eat. Tht wean is the future x
98.
When ur a goth but the suns oot x
99.
why do ppl that hate christmas have to tell u they hate it every 5 minutes? fuck off u jingle bellend ur getting me down
100.
Last year v this year.. glad we’ve matured