1.
"I don't think so mommy!" Is what my child said after "Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?"
2.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
3.
there is absolutely no way that labor is harder than installing a car seat, i just refuse to believe it. if it is, i give up
4.
Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome
5.
Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural! @prattprattpratt
6.
to everyone asking, john is healing perfectly
7.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
8.
Turns out toddlers don't consider rainy days to be sloth days reserved for Netflix and sweatpants. Their loss.
9.
Up until 2am constructing a table with wooden trains for Gideon and all he wants to do is play with a broom. #MerryXmas
10.
My kid changed the Lego Movie song from "Everything is awesome when you're part of a team" to "Everything is awesome when you're not dying"
11.
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
12.
Me: "G'night honey. Wanna sing Twinkle Twinkle?" 2 yr old: "how 'bout Beastie Boys?" All is not lost.
13.
Train museum! For the 223rd time!
14.
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
15.
My kids asked me what the Wall Street protestors were angry about, & I told them it was the crappy Father’s Day gift they gave me last year.
16.
It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish...
17.
Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I'm the building)
18.
john just woke up from a nap and asked me what I've been doing so i was like uh taking care of the baby duh
19.
My 4 year old son just said to me, "Mom, you should never trust farts." https://t.co/CQO0Cdj1z4
20.
Every generation just wants their kids to have a better “Spiderman” reboot than they did.
21.
Harper is, as usual, calm and understated.
22.
My infant daughter is going to run for president. She remains silent all of the key issues but she’s much cuter than Donald Trump.
23.
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
24.
The #pukepocalypse spares no man. The #dadbeast has gone down with his ship. You fought a good fight, @daxshepard1. Long live the #dadbeast
25.
Parents of the year award haha! River locked herself in her room via the connecting door. She loves to shut doors!
26.
If you're worried about your teenagers procreating, put them on a 6 hour flight with our kid. Scared Celibate. Guaranteed. 👍
27.
When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
28.
You don't know love 'til you've cleaned shit off a car seat together. #holidays
29.
Love saving $ on things like house painters-Jack has it taken care of-should I be worried about US child labor laws?
30.
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
31.
My daughter & I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom & he got mad which is funny since I HAVEN'T PEED ALONE IN 7 YEARS.
32.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
33.
I know I've got a blockhead...I never knew I'd have an actual blockhead for a child lol.
34.
Joke by my 4 year old. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Why sweetie?" "Because his butthole itched". She laughs hysterically.
35.
Me: “Keeva you’re really milking this!” Keeva (age 3): “I thought you said I could have milk?”
36.
"It's 8:30am & I've already gotten into 5 fights" - thugs, and parents of toddlers
37.
”My wipe did be sooo messy." I hope she never learns to speak correctly.
38.
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.
39.
I’d like to publicly thank my husband @daxshepard1 for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…