1. How do I always get suckered into watching this show on Friday nights?
2. I can tell if we're in New York or Atlanta mostly by whether it's Randy or Fake Southern Randy.
3. Judging by the morning staff meetings, this place will only see brides on a given day if they fit into that day's easily digestible category, like "brides who brought their fathers" or "brides who want a weird-colored dress" or "brides with horribly judgmental friends who probably shouldn't be there."
4. Who are all these other staff members? They're at the morning meeting, then they disappear. Where do they go after this? Are they magical, ephemeral dress fairies? That would actually explain a lot.
5. Theme song time!
♪"Tryin' on lots of really poofy dresses that are♫
♫Way too pricey♪
♪This costs as much as a car"♫
6. I wonder if this bride is going to talk about how she's so happy because she's marrying her best friend?
7. Yep, she did.
8. I'm beginning to think this show has a tragic backstory quota that they have to meet each episode.
9. Do people actually get married at age 19? You can't even legally drink yet. Slow down, children.
10. There's always one bride who lost like 50 pounds, which is really impressive to me since I can't even lose this stuffed crust pizza I'm eating.
11. Note to self: "assets" is code.
12. People like getting married in barns.
13. I can also tell if we're in New York or Atlanta based on how much it looks like the fiancé in the photos looks like he might enjoy Monster Energy Drink.
14. The first dress is never the one. They should save time and just skip to the second dress.
15. People keep talking about all the different dress styles but all I see are ball gowns and not-ball gowns.
16. Scratch that. There are also see-through dresses.
17. Am I old if I find myself agreeing with the parents more often than the bride?
18. I know nothing about fashion. I don't know the name of a single other fashion designer in the entire world, but I know who Pnina Tornai is and I can identify one of her dresses instantly.
19. Just doing some math to figure out how many iPads I could buy for the price of this dress.
20. The answer is a lot. A lot of iPads.
21. I'm starting to see the appeal in this. I do sometimes wish I could stand on a pedestal and have people applaud over how good I look in the clothes I'm wearing.
22. I should get myself a necklace with my own name on it.
23. Actually, I should get myself a necklace that says "Pnina" on it.
24. Huh. I just learned what "ruching" is.
25. Girl, if your budget was $7,000 and you couldn't find a dress in your price range I pray God have mercy on your soul.
26. Commercial break. Let's see what Jake from State Farm is up to.
27. Spoiler alert: He's still wearing khakis.
28. Time to check in with a bride from a previous episode who's back for a fitting.
29. I remember her! Oh man, I watch this show too much.
30. Turns out that dramatic moment they were teasing before commercial wasn't actually that dramatic. Color me surprised.
31. Back to the main floor and GIRL DO NOT GO WITH THAT DRESS YOU LOOKED WAY BETTER IN THE OTHER ONE.
32. Phew, thank goodness.
33. Aw yeah, son they're jacking her up.
34. Now her mom is crying.
35. No, I'm not crying.
36. I'm not, shut up.
37. Is she saying yes to the dress?
38. She is!
39. I should download this "you came down from heaven" song.
40. So there's another episode on after this, right?
41. Good.
Girl, if your budget was $7,000 and you couldn't find a dress in your price range I pray God have mercy on your soul.
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