1. In the Ari-ZONE-a:
150rts and I'll dress like this for my first day of college
2. Life is pain:
God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.
3. Daddy:
Boy: call me daddy ;) Me:
4. Same:
me too bitch, you aint special
5. The Beautiful and Damned:
I can't believe this is what F. Scott Fitzgerald's hair looked like. No one ever talks about it.
6. Sound ON for this one:
A guy was filming this lion... you won't believe what happens next...
7. Does that come with fries:
wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
8. The only reason I go to the dentist:
When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.
9. Blessed:
when i drop a joke in the gc and they all respond with a DJCKDKDKSKDKDKD
10. Ahhhh that's better:
When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger
11. John Hughes would approve:
a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
12. Visionary:
who is she
13. Priorities:
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape? ME: sure WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge? ME: get fucked
14. So smooth:
Give me your heart, make it real, or else
15. Dragon dog:
My dog looks like she was drawn by a Medieval monk who had never seen a dog before
16. And he's a CPA:
Trent Reznor's name backwards is Ron Zertnert.
17. No-fly list:
Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.
18. It never fails:
the ol' razzle dazzle
19. 🤔🤔🤔
honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since
20. Bad influence:
21. At least he's honest:
teacher: we need to talk about ur son me: why teacher: he announced to the entire first grade he was "back on his bullshit" me: well is he
22. Summer:
最悪マジで。
Translation: "At worst."
23. ArOOOOOGula:
I like arugula because it's good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
24. A lesson in petty:
Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I'd gotten sick
25. Beverly:
Someone died, Beverly.
26. THAT'S not supposed to be there:
Hand to God, there is a heard of bison on the loose in the Laconia, NH area... WHO IS PLAYING JUMANJI IN NEW HAMPS… https://t.co/jRXClUmdAL
27. Take it down a notch, 'Bee's:
Applebee's marketing has shifted gears
28. Wow:
Star Wars, but all of the light saber sounds are Owen Wilson saying "wow"
29. Clippy:
Sometimes when I don't know what to do I'll get this out my pocket & pretend it knows the answer.
30. Missed opportunity:
Biggest upset of 2016 was "now you see me 2" not being called "now you don't"
31. Not fair:
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming