1.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I've never been more angry.
2.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn't answer my phone for 5 years
3.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."
4.
Me: Cancel print job. Printer: Nope. Fuck you.
5.
[carrot slice falls on the floor] Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you [potato chip falls on the floor] YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
6.
You know that you're officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
7.
BACK TO SCHOOL OR IF YOU ARE AN ADULT THE WHEEL CONTINUES RELENTLESSLY SPINNING LARGELY WITHOUT CHANGE
8.
My favorite thing about weekends is how you just feel every emotion at once until you have to go back to work
9.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife's head off and i can't get a txt back
10.
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath*** I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me. ***dies***
11.
[ new burger joint ] Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup Me: *leaves*
12.
A woman climbed Mount Everest twice in 5 days and I just spent 5 minutes trying to grab the remote with my foot from my side of the couch.
13.
What's everyone's favorite thing about the weekend? Mine is pretending that 2 days is a sufficient break from 5 days of work.
14.
me on monday: man i cant wait for the weekend so i can let loose me on friday: if i play this right, i can stay in bed until monday morning
15.
U ever about to go so hard on some food you need a hair tie
16.
Her: *texts something funny* Me: *types hahahahaha* *stares at it* *deletes one “ha”*
17.
me in 2042: 30 years ago? you mean the 1970s?
18.
why is my stomach so flat in the mornings until i eat a crumb and i'm suddenly 8 months pregnant with twins
19.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.