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5 things you don't want to see on your Thanksgiving table

Bill Mann
Special for USA TODAY
Tofurky, made by Turtle Island Foods, is tofu "turkey."

You've just endured a long, weather-delayed flight – or drive through a blizzard – to get home for the big family Thanksgiving dinner. It's the most American of holidays, and you've envisioned this tasty, gut-busting family feast for days. Your palate is primed.

But sometimes, things can go terribly wrong, not just at the table (do we really need to hear about Uncle Cletis' recent gall-bladder surgery?), but also, on the table. So, as a cautionary measure, we've compiled this handy list of food faux pas for the big meal Thursday. (Thanksgiving-dinner spoiler alert!)

1. Tofurkey

This decidedly unappetizing-looking food-like substance was once (deservedly) marketed as "un-turkey." Just the sight of this uber-P.C. main course on sale at my local co-op (of which I am a Prius-hugging member) made me recoil in horror. Tofu is fine in stir-fry and many other veggie dishes, and yes, I know how healthy it is. I'll eat veggie burgers on occasion. But tofurkey should be the main course only at communes in Humboldt County or organic households in Berkeley. If there is ever a War on Thanksgiving, this will undoubtedly be the chief weapon. Please ... give me the bird!

2. Oyster stuffing

Gourmet publications like Sauveur rhapsodize about this strange-smelling fake-stuffing stuff, but then again, they're among those who keep pushing things at us like parsnips, beetroot, ajil ("Persian trail mix"), rocket, capers, cassava, kale, duck-liver croutons, toasted fava beans, spigarello (wasn't that a Broadway musical?), and medjool dates. If there aren't any pearls to be extracted here, I'll save the oysters for the seafood restaurant, thank you. Even the Rockefellers would reject these oysters.

3. Quinoa

Even though it's ubiquitous in foodie-land right now – I wouldn't be surprised to see it being served on hot dogs at San Francisco 49ers games – this rubbery, trendy grain has no place at the Thanksgiving table. And besides, aren't we confusing our geography here? I don't recall the conquistadores ever being offered quinoa by the Incas, the people who originally grew this stuff.

4. Canned cranberry sauce

OK, I grew up eating this every Thanksgiving; it's one of the earliest convenience foods. But really, how hard is it to dump a package of cranberries and some sugar into boiling water? We don't want to get "bogged" down here, but any food that looks this extruded AND has concentric rings at each end seems inauthentic and unwelcome. And even though no one eats much cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving dinner, these super-acidic cylinders must be consumed in low doses, lest they burn a hole through your stomach.

5. Giblet-bag surprise

This is no goodie bag. Even non-novice cooks have been known to forget to remove these godawful bags of offal that are often tucked into the big birds for some odd reason. Forgetful cooks might be more careful if they knew exactly what giblets were. The only thing that's even worse to find inside a baked turkey? Bird shot.

Dishonorable mention:

Ambrosia salad (no, there's NOT always room for Jello-o); Frosted yam cake (aka marshmallow-covered sweet potatoes); turducken (three birds in one!); anything with wasabe; garlic mashed potatoes; boxed mashed potatoes; gluten-free anything; bowls of after-dinner mints mixed with with Alka-Seltzer and/or Nexium; Red Bull; Christmas decorations of any kind on the table.

Humorist Bill Mann lives in Port Townsend, Wash.

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