1.
I managed to spill chocolate all over my hotel sheets. I'm gonna leave the cleaning people a note that simply says "NOT POOP."
2.
In 4 days I will be 35. Can't wait to start playing a 25 year olds mom!
3.
There is no finer actor than me pretending it's adorable that your dog won't stop sniffing my crotch.
4.
There should be an "actor" emoji that's just a sweaty upper lip and wild eyes.
5.
Gross man at airport: "What's a pretty woman like you doing sitting on the floor?" Me: "Waiting for these damn hemorrhoids to clear up!"
6.
A woman just sneezed so loudly and violently that I reflexively yelled "ABSOLUTELY NOT" instead of "Bless you."
7.
Calm down mannequins with abs
8.
"Have you ever heard of Laura Benanti? She used to be an actress, then she went on vacation and began eating cheese for a living."
9.
Purses are just fanny packs for people who don't need to be hands free. #freedom
10.
I love movies where people throw their cell phones away dramatically and we never see the scene where they're like "F*CK, why did I do that"
11.
Please imagine how pissed the World Cup crowd would be if at half time @AndrewRannells and I came out and sang "If I Loved You."
12.
"F*ck, marry, kill" is the sickest game that also happens to be the order in which those things usually occur.
13.
"I'm gonna miss you" is a real thing I just whispered to the last bite of my breakfast sandwich.
14.
"You're almost 35? No children? Well...I hope you aren't too sad" ~my cab driver who isn't getting a tip
15.
If you ever doubt that the Universe has a sense of humor please know that a bird just pooped perfectly in between my boobs.
16.
When are we going to see the "girlfriend jean" trend?! Just a bunch of dudes walking around in faded skinny jeans.
17.
What's that scent you ask? Why it's the perfume of New York City! Sweaty Scrotum and Cantaloupe Rinds™
18.
When I'm in Los Angeles I like to eat bread AT people.
19.
"You're almost 35? No children? Well...I hope you aren't too sad" ~my cab driver who isn't getting a tip
20.
What if, after cops told you to put your hands up, they just tickled the shit out of you?
21.
Kale salad should be renamed "Don't smile because that shit is in between every single tooth. Also, hope you like pooping" salad.
22.
Hey dudes who snort your snot like pigs PLEASE STOP I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOU!
23.
Models/actresses why do you bite your fingers in photos? What does it mean?? Are you coy? Are you hungry? WHAT'S HAPPENING??
24.
Nothing says "I'm ready to party" like walking around CVS carrying an enema two pack.
25.
WHY HASN'T ANYONE INVENTED SPANX FOR THIGHS AND CALLED THEM "THANX"?!?!
26.
A sound machine for insomniacs that is simply a recording of an acquaintance walking you through their recent home renovation.
27.
Hey lady at the airport drinking red wine at 7:20am, you ok gurl?
28.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm all alone, buttons on the back of my dress!!
29.
Oral B is my favorite toothbrush that also happened to be my nickname in high school.
30.
I don't care if it's the ugliest thing in the world, if I fit into an extra small I'm buying it.
31.
If you stare at your phone long enough it turns into someone who loves you, right?
32.
All lady magazine covers should simply have one headline: "YOU SHOULD FIX YOURSELF! Also, how to have sex."
33.
Imagine describing a bachelor party to an alien.
34.
Wish I could handle ANYTHING as well as the 3 year old I just watched narrowly escape being hit by a car only to roll his eyes in disgust.
35.
Eventually the American flag will just be a group selfie of 23 year old girls doing duck lips
36.
Literally every single time a clean handsome man is checking me out its a gay man who loved me in Gypsy (Take 2)