Marvel Men Ranked By How Good They'd Be In Bed

Peter Quill would have his fun and then fall asleep. He doesn't care about you at all. Just sayin'.

Do you really want to jump into bed with a guy who takes everything literally? I sure don't. He's literally "The Destroyer." No thanks!

Bruce Banner probably wouldn't be terrible in bed, but Hulk? Yeah, no. Good luck with that. Plus, Bruce would be constantly worrying about Hulking out, and wouldn't you be a little worried too?

This dude's whole thing is that he's really ~fast~ — do I really need to elaborate?

Honestly? He's really attractive but do you ever, like, think about War Machine? He's just kinda there. He'd probably be a great husband, though!

He's a grower, not a shower, but let's face it — he'd be totally ordinary in bed.

Nick Fury has been married to his job his entire life. He's definitely got moves, but he's not sticking around to cuddle after.

Real talk — this dude is kinky AF, but not at all GGG. So.

Sam Wilson is total boyfriend material and he'd be a generous lover, but... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

He's somehow both soulful and mechanical, and he'd be ruthlessly efficient in bed. But it'd kinda be like being with a sentient vibrator who was also a clingy boyfriend.

His wife seems real happy.

There is no denying that Steve Rogers is objectively a perfect human specimen. However, it took him like four movies to even KISS a girl. Also, let's face it, you can never compete with Peggy (or Bucky).

Everything about this guy SCREAMS "fuckboy," but like, not in a totally bad way? He knows what he's doing and he's good with his fingers, which counts for a lot.

You KNOW this guy is trash, and yet. And yet! He could talk you into anything and you would enjoy it. Thoroughly. Unf.

YOOOOOOOOOOOO, this dude is smooth and romantic, like a Boyz II Men slow jam. He'll make love to you like you want him to, and make you feel like a true queen. Wakanda forever.

LOOK AT THIS GUY. LOOK AT HIS MOUTH. LOOK. HE HAS SO MUCH PAIN IN HIS SOUL. BEAUTIFUL, SEXY PAIN. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP HIM. ONLY YOU. HE HAS SO MANY INTENSE FEELINGS AND AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE FEELINGS IS "HORNY."

Hello. Hi. Look at this man. Just...look at him. He's intense, he's driven, he's passionate. He's good at everything. He would be so focused on winning, and in this case "winning" means...well, you get the idea.

Let me break this down for you:

1) Tony Stark is extremely experienced. He knows what's up.

2) He has an ego based entirely upon his desire for unimpeachable excellence. He would absolutely make sure you spent the next decade bragging about how good he was in bed.

3) If for some reason you weren't satisfied, he would create a DEVICE just for your pleasure. And it would WORK. REALLY WELL.

4) The whole experience would be fun, surprisingly emotional, and glamorous.

Full disclosure — I didn't actually want to make Thor #1 on this list, but facts are facts. Objectively, Thor is gonna be the best in bed. He's 10,000 years old. He's done everything. He knows how to party, and he'd be there in the morning to make you breakfast. And he's the GOD OF THUNDER. Hammer or no, this guy can bring it.