We rounded up some of the funniest recent dad tweets we could find, and they prove fatherhood is amazing, exhausting, and definitely hilarious:
1.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
2.
My 6-year-old called ranch dressing "salad frosting" and now I'll never call it anything else.
3.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
4.
If you’ve never turned the volume on your car stereo up to drown out the sounds of your kids, are you really even a parent?
5.
Wife: She’s wearing her princess dress. Pretend you’re her servant. Me: Pretend?
6.
Our youngest lightly bumped into something if you're wondering why she's wearing 37 band-aids.
7.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
8.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
9.
*gets kids to school on time* *adds snail herder to resume*
10.
I don’t get why people think getting kids to bed is hard all my son needs is: A drink of water 4 songs from Daddy A trip to the potty Superman flight to bed An inventory of his stuffed animals A tissue 2 more songs Look at my watch for 45 seconds And all of this 7 more times
11.
My son just complained that we eat pizza too often. I've never been speechless before.
12.
We need a Disney princess that screams when her hair is brushed, gets super amped right before bed, and eats like 3 things for dinner ever.
13.
My patience is a tree. My child is a saw. The results are predictable.
14.
Me: Get up. 6-year-old: Why? Me: It's Monday. 6: I can't do this every week.
15.
Instead of day drinking we get to take our kid to a birthday party and stand around with our hands in our pockets listening to kids cough.
16.
Do I miss having time to myself and sleeping through the night since my kid was born? Yes. But would I give up being a father just for the sake of the extra time in bed on the weekends? Hang on I'm thinking
17.
Had no idea I would get into so much trouble as an adult until my 3-year-old started saying “but daddy does it” every time she gets in trouble.
18.
[text] Son: Hey dad Me: STOP TEXTING ME FROM SCHOOL YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION Son: okay but the trailer for the new Call of Duty game just came out Me: OMG SEND ME THE LINK
19.
hey guys, thanks for inviting me out for drinks tonight but do you remember a couple of years ago I had that baby? well, he's still around, so no
20.
Me: What did you do at school? 8-year-old: Cartwheels. Me: Gym or recess? 8: Math. Teachers don't get paid enough.
21.
Sometimes while he sleeps, we’ll stand over his bed and admire this human we’ve brought into the world. In those moments it’s hard not to want another child. But by morning he’s awake. And we’re sober. And fuuuuuuuuck that.