1.
I'm not dyslexic you're dyslexic
2.
me: hello 911 operator: hello what’s ur emergency me: these men won’t stop laughing operator: ok yea that’s annoying but not a crime me: wtf is manslaughter then
3.
anyone else have trouble getting their cats to pose for their christmas card?
4.
A woman shouted "Rihanna would fucking hate you!" at her friend from across the bar and the friend instantly burst into sobs. This bar already earned its cover charge.
5.
I just realized that in all of the purge movies, nobody ever steals anything valuable. All crime is legal for 24 hours straight and all you people are interested in is killing one another? Bitch the Apple store right across the street.
6.
{trying to fit in with my son’s friends} yo what up fam you guys see all the dank memes haha ok i gotta go see if i got any faxes tell your moms i said yeet
7.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually
8.
Someone just said, if you wanna say spice girls in a Scottish accent, just say “space ghettos” in an American accent. I’ve been doing it and laughing for a good 5 mins now 🤣🤣🤣🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️
9.
Isn’t leaving without ever coming back or communicating the exact opposite of what a ghost does
10.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
11.
I can't stop watching this...
12.
interviewer: you listed "Cough Syrup Joe" as a professional reference. me: great dude interviewer: he says you're never on time and that you give co-workers inappropriate nicknames. me: what did big dick danny say
13.
DENTIST: Remember to floss! ME: 😔 😔 😔 / / \ \ / / ....||.........||..........||......
14.
why would u ever take someone to hibachi on a date? u think she's gonna wanna be w you after watching a chef transform a grill into an onion stack's personal train station? u ran out of inches three strokes ago meanwhile he just flipped an egg into his hat it's no contest
15.
son: thanks for takin me to astronaut practice dad i had so much fun :) buzz aldrin: this isn't a game. remember why we're doing this. son: *serious nod* moon revenge
16.
Every guy who has a podcast and his girlfriend
17.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend] Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
18.
19.
[hospital] husband (dying breath): I love you me: ok why though
20.
This is why unions are important
21.
there's gonna be ANOTHER year???????